Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

While this essay was originally titled “Things I'm Afraid to Tell You,” enough time and personal development has passed to make it more appropriately titled, “Things That Used to Bother Me That I Am Now Over.”

I've just realized this week that when you say that, we all expect to hear about bad things that have happened in your life. I totally judge people who tell you good things because it’s like complaining about abundance.

When Kelly Trachs #1 thing she was afraid to tell people turned out to be how young she was, I thought that was ridiculous! I felt like she was bragging! She has accomplished so much in such a short period of time! But later, as I stepped back and thought about it, I realized there was great risk in telling people about her age. There's a possibility that people would think she was too young to take advice from, (which is basically what she does for a living) because people judge about things like that. Just like I judged that it was not a thing. Then I started realizing how, no matter what you say some people will judge it, some people will love it.

That thought, and my time with podcaster/teacher Jess Lively, must have got things percolating in the back of mind. She said something like “Don’t apologize about living a great life.” Then all of a sudden this morning, I finally allowed some stuff to come through from my inner voice. Stuff that I totally hide from people. My goal this year is to have my outer self, the one people come in contact with, match the inner self. So, today my inner self is holding me to that on a few more issues.

Here then, are things I'm afraid to tell you. The first two are not things you need to know, but they are things I hide, so I am claiming them.

*Caveat - This is not a judgement on anyone else. We all need different things at different times in our lives. I'm doing me. You do you.

I Was A Professional Drug-Free Bodybuilder

And I was WNBF World Champion 3 years in a row before I retired at 43. I competed for 8 years as an amateur, 7 years professionally. It was a large chunk of my life. And yet, i pretty much hide it from everyone. Despite the fact that I have three college degrees, have had entrepreneurial success, am fairly worldly and well-read, I was always afraid people would think I was a muscle-head; I was worried about that cultural stereotype, and that people would think I was dumb. And I've continued to move forward in life without ever questioning the fact that I never talk about that period of my life.

I Live A Rich Life

Not just spiritually, but materially too. We live in a 4+ million dollar home in Honolulu, G drives a Tesla, and flies his own plane. We travel frequently and often, quite spontaneously.

I usually avoid the word Rich because it makes me cringe. I’ve been very reactive (defensive) to it, and it causes me to try and explain how that's not really true. Or how we “earned it.” I would definitely judge someone else who said they were rich.

When G and I have dinner with new friends of mine, I always hope he does not mention the plane (it's a small plane!). Of course he does. I cringe. The new friends want to ride in it. G revels in our material wealth. I am completely embarrassed by it. I am of the proletariat in my mind, even though I am now trying to lose all labels. I've also been reluctant to spend money. I've always had a frugal mentality and I don't think it is serving me well at this point so I have been working to change it over the last year and doing better. Still . . . (Just today i got some new clothes hangers from amazon. They were nicer than I expected and so I was thinking about putting them in the guest closet, instead of using them for myself as originally intended.)

I Am An Accomplished Manifestor

In NYC I manifested an amazing condo on the edge of the East River which overlooked all of Manhattan and the Statue of Liberty. Then second house in Key West. Then I went big! I asked myself what the perfect seasonal living situation would be. Spring and summer in NYC, fall and winter split between Key West and New Orleans. The house in New Orleans came, and so did the perfect seasonal rotation. I thought nothing would be better than that, until I visited Hawaii. Then, I wanted to move to Hawaii. No jobs there to fit G so thought that move would be several years off, maybe retirement. I manifested the job and the move a couple years later, unexpectedly early. Then I manifested the amazing house that we couldn't afford and then somehow we did. Then Jess Lively coming to Hawaii and staying here at the FLOWasis.

Two nights ago, awake in the middle of the night after getting up to help Reykjavik, I lay there thinking about things I wanted to do in my business. One of the things i came up with was being on a podcast I had just listened to that day. The Kelly Trach Show. The next morning, Kelly messaged me asking me to be on the podcast. These are a few of the examples that immediately come to mind. So, do I believe manifesting works? Absofrickinlutely! Do I acknowledge that to people or ever talk about it? Only to you peeps. Can I do it every time? I'm not sure yet. 😁

I Do Not Believe In The Power Of Anything Outside of Ourselves Anymore

I do believe we are completely in control of our lives, because we control how we perceive things. In other words, the moon cycle, planets in retrograde, crystals (Let me be clear, I LOVE crystals!), hormones, birth order, astrological signs, collective stories we choose to integrate into our identity or not. All this stuff that we say has an affect on us, takes a little bit of our sense of control away from us. At the end of the day, I believe that we ourselves allow these things to control us or not.

I No Longer Like Things That Define Me

Because I no longer want to be defined or predicted.

Human Design, Personality Tests, Medical Tests, Neurologists. Believe me, I've done my time in this arena. I've spent at least half my life trying to define myself, my personality, my neurological disorders, perfect work style/diet/fitness regimen. And now I'm letting go of all those diagnoses that I spent so much time collecting. I want to be more aligned with my higher self, and less aligned with my human self. I want to be open. I want to be limitless, I want to be free.

I Have No Use For Negative News

Or most negativity in general for that matter. That means you nightly news. That means you Facebook, that means you neighbor lady walking her dog who always tells me how dangerous the park/homeless/weather is. I want to carefully curate my own brain feed, not be manipulated by outside sources. A lot of people do not like this idea at all, and warn me that I should be well-informed about the world around me. If I attempt to not take in news at all, I notice things that are applicable to my life somehow still filter through to me. Without the negative impact of most media, I'm able to maintain a very high frequency, which helps me to do what I came here to earth to do: bring as much peace as possible to every person I come in contact with, and vigorously enjoy the beauty of this dimension with all my six senses. Yes I said Six. That leads me to the next thing I’m afraid to tell you.

I Communicate With Animals

Telepathically. And you can too. I can teach you, but you have to let go of most of your beliefs about not being able to do it first. I receive thoughts, pictures, and occasionally smells (I know, that's really getting weird) from animals. Sometimes I ask for information, and sometimes they just send messages of their own accord. I used to not believe this was possible. Now I do.

I Believe My InnerGenius or Higher Self Has the Answers To All My Questions

Or can at least give me a good lead on them. (And yet, I keep buying online courses . . . But I believe my innerGenius, as I like to call it, leads me to the right ones.) I keep forgetting this one but the more I tune in and listen, the more I know it's true. This is my favorite work in progress. I now eat intuitively, exercise intuitively, socialize intuitively, mostly work intuitively, though that is the area where I am most easily swayed by my egoic mind. My intention now is to strip away all of the stories and autopilot patterns, stored in my subconscious over the years, that no longer serve me, and instead, rely on my higher self for guidance.

I Listen To Abraham Hicks

And Joseph Murphy. And Dr. Joe Dispenza. And Michael Singer. And Eckhart Tolle.And they all make perfect sense to me now. Oh, and that also goes for Journey of Souls.

These are really all positive occurrences in my life. So why am I afraid to tell you these things? Different reasons really. Im afraid they will make me un-relatable, or I am afraid you will judge me, or think I'm crazy, and I think those possibilities bother me in that order. Im least afraid to be thought of as crazy. Because people are usually willing to have one or two crazy friends. 😉